Raw food, dieting and other tortures

Today's recipe is: Thai Coleslaw
Before we left America, we had lunch with friends and she had just come from a yoga class. During lunch she mentioned that she had managed to get 2 of her fat rolls into a knot during one of the yoga exercises. Well, I thought that was hilarious - improbable, but hilarious. But then……

Earlier this evening I was having a bath and shaving my legs when one of my fat rolls got a cramp. Have you ever heard such a thing before? A fat roll cramp. It was taking a lot of strain with the breasts that decided to go south after my 35th birthday and the bottom fat roll being squashed up against it, but to go into a spasm is taking it a little too far. My husband came rushing in to my “rescue”, but he clearly failed biology as he was vigorously rubbing the wrong body parts.

So it’s back to the dieting board again. The most successful diet so far (and I really hate to have to admit this) has been the raw food diet. It makes me think of a country western song I like which goes something like this: “The drinking bone’s connected to the party bone, and the party bone’s connected to the staying out all night long bone”. Please bear with me as it is going to take a while for me to get to the point where it will/might make sense.

The raw food diet is exactly what it says: all you eat is raw food. Man, does that get limp fast. But you do lose weight quickly and you eat very little but have the feeling of being totally full. I have come up with a theory why this is so.

You are gnawing your way through 4 carrots, 8 peas, 2 radishes and 14 raw nuts when your body decides that it just can’t take the boringness (new word to be patented) of this meal, so it tells you it’s full. Now this would be a great thing if it wasn’t for the fact that the (fake) full bone is connected to the (very real) bad mood bone. (See, I told you we’d get to the song eventually!). So when (bastard) husband who got you onto this rabbit diet in the first place (joyously) says, “isn’t it amazing just how little the human body needs to be full”, you (not so) pleasantly inform him that he is damn lucky that this is a rabbit food diet and not a black widow diet as he very close to having his head bitten off and eaten. Boiled and eaten.

So, “the fake full bone is connected to the bad mood bone, and the bad mood bone is connected to the very (un)reasonable bone”.

We did have steak for dinner the next night. My imitation of a black widow spider must have been very convincing. But we did have it medium-raw so all was not lost.

My husband says I have many uses. I give off heat in the winter and provide shade in the summer. (He has said that none of you need to visit him in hospital and he should be drinking out of a straw very soon.) A friend of mine’s 4 year old daughter said to her that when she gets into the bath all the water gets out. Poor kid would probably run for high ground if she saw me walking towards the bathroom. But my biggest problem comes from a rather unusual source and that is Greenpeace. Whenever I go to the beach I have to keep a sharp lookout for activists out of fear of being “rolled back in”.

In light of all my weight problems, I have decided to come up with a list of dieting tips to help other potential Greenpeace endangered friends.

1. Wear low cut dresses.
The breasts tend to grow proportionately along with the fat rolls so there is generally lots to show and this draws attention away from other less attractive areas.

2. Have friends who are fatter than you are.
Okay, this is proving rather difficult as I am No.1 in this regards, but I’m still looking.

3. Dazzle with charm, wit and/or dirty jokes.
I am THE entertainment at parties. The rule “the parties not over till the fat lady’s told another dirty joke” really applies. Hell, one year I combined point 1&3 and had people throw Easter eggs down the front of my (low cut) top.

4. Eat less. This is at the end of the list and is considered the absolute last option and not really a very good one, I might add.
I have adapted it slightly. My 200lb husband and I eat the same portion, so clearly the problem is not that I eat too much, but that he eats too little. So I keep preparing his favorite foods so that he (over)eats. He says I just don’t want him to be thin next to me as I waddle down the street.

The visiting hours at the hospital are as follows:

Today’s recipe is adapted from the book “RAWvolution” and is a personal favourite. I’ll post a picture asap – food photography is a lot more difficult than I had originally thought!

3 cups shredded cabbage
1 cup finely sliced green peppers
1 cup shredded carrots
A few sprigs of mint, cilantro and chives, finely chopped
½ cup of peanuts, chopped (optional)
2 Tbsp freshly squeezed lemon juice
2 Tbsp honey
2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
2 Tbsp soy sauce (nama shoyu)
2 Tbsp olive oil
1 inch piece of ginger, grated
½ tsp Thai red curry paste

1. Blend all the dressing ingredients. Combine the vegetables and herbs and toss with the dressing. Leave for at least an hour for the flavors to combine.

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