Husbands and other Smoothies

Today's recipes are: Joerg's Breakfast Smoothie; and a Mango Smoothie
My husband has just asked me for a bowl and a pair of scissors. To some of you this may seem like a perfectly normal request, but I am married to The World’s Biggest 5 Year Old. So this question sets off the same alarm bells that sound when a 5year old asks his Mother, “Mommy, can I have a keg of dynamite and a flint.” I cautiously ask what he needs these for and he excitedly informs me that he is going to use the flint to light the keg….I mean, he is going to cut some stinging nettles, lime leaf tree shoots and other weeds to make me a smoothie for lunch. My heart sinks. My 5year old is glowing with pride. I open the windows to stop the explosion breaking the glass.

My husband/5 year old has always brewed, boiled, baked, created something or ‘t'other’. There would be vats of rice wine, ginger beer, pineapple beer, beetroot gin to name but a few, gurgling and spluttering in the living room or taking a bath in our various homes. At night, I swear I’ve heard voices and sometimes I could vaguely make out, “Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble, Fire burn and cauldron bubble,….”
I always put the light on at night, just in case. Don’t want to frighten the witches into doing anything silly.

“Taste this Crystal!” is a well used line in our house as a red-headed mad-man comes at me with some bright green fluorescent liquid that I am to drink and enjoy. Yes, enjoy. YOU tell the 5 year old it tastes like crap – it would hurt his little boy feelings.

Just to be sure that said 5year old doesn’t order dynamite on-line, I have implemented parental control on our computer. He, of course, doesn’t know this and is always amazed that he can’t find a single porn site when all his friends “accidentally” come across them all the time. I need to have a word with their wives, is all I can say. Accidentally, my ass. And I don’t know if my 5year old should be playing with such naughty children. Don’t you go feeling sorry for him. The smoothie today was good in spite of some unrecognizable ingredients, but this is not always the case.

Take my first visit to Germany. His family was in the habit of drinking this vile stuff made from fermenting a Kombu mushroom. This (glowing) liquid supposedly cures everything from constipation to re-growing limbs. Well, my limbs were all present, but I had constipation (more information than I generally share, but bear with me). So each morning for 2 weeks I was handed a glass of the most vile tasting stuff known to man – and believe me, as the wife of an amateur/wannabe brewer, I speak from experience.

I informed The Family of my extreme distaste of this nuclear waste product, but with true German efficiency, they persevered to cure my constipation at all costs. By day 2, I was well cured, but I had to continue “just to be sure”. So my days went like this: drink radiating concoction & un-do jeans button so that at the first (of many) rumble it would be quicker to get said jeans down. After having wasted away to almost nothing (oh, how I miss that liquid now!), someone from The Family tasted it and declared that the liquid had gone off. I could have told you that! I barked. So I had been drinking poison mushroom without any of the reputed hallogenic effects, but with rather unmentionable smells.

I’ve actually never been the same again and blame that bad mushroom or all my faults. The very few that there are, I might add.


1 apple
1 banana, peeled
1 pear
1 stalk of celery
A handful of spinach or other greens
Juice of 1 orange
Wash the fruit and vegetables thoroughly, but not the banana! Put it all in a blender and mix until smooth. You can add more liquid if you prefer it more runny, either fruit juice or water.

MANGO SMOOTHIE (This recipe is adapted from a Kate Wood recipe)
1 mango, peeled & cubed
3 oranges, juiced
½ lemon, juiced
1 tsp tahini paste (sesame paste)
1 date, pipped
½-1 banana
Put it all in a blender and process till smooth.

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